Notes to self: September – October 2024

Am I too fragile? Too tired and hopeless after enduring a relentless stream of misery and bad fortune? Is that the case? Admit it, princess, you deserved a better life, just as your mother did, and her mother before her. But you need to carry on with the life you have. Either try to change it, as you usually do, or accept it forever.

Sometimes, I feel too tired to deal with the everyday fuss and hustle. My frustration tolerance is at an all-time low these days. Could it be due to my age? The megacity I live in, with its relentless traffic at every hour of every day? Could it be the chaotic environment of my country of origin? The anomalous political systems that have gripped our world in recent years? Is it because I’ve had too much or too little of something? Or because I’m feeling lonelier than ever?

Getting lost in melancholy is the easy thing to do, but time and again, I smile, get back on my feet, and navigate through these swamps of evil and injustice. I perform my daily chores, cook, clean, dress, and go out. I help, sympathize, and understand. I acknowledge, read, learn, and continue to grow. I enjoy art and music, and I travel, but always alone. Sometimes it boosts my self-esteem; other times, I feel tired and lonely. I enjoy many things, just as I despise many things, and I become angry and mad at people—more often strangers than those I know.

I return home, tired and angry. I take a breath or a shower, and I start my recovery process by reading, cooking, listening to music, and dancing. I’m okay again, ready for the next battle. This is the cycle.