A wise man once told me to keep my heart open.

Have I been doing that lately? I’m not so sure. There have been days when I was wide awake, mesmerized by the world, and there have also been days when I couldn’t even breathe.

A short escape to my favorite city helped me regain my energy and focus, and clear my head. For that, I’m truly grateful.

When I first arrived, I was a blend of chaos, disappointment and anxiety. I was tired enough to let go of everything. I was confused even about myself; my very being felt distracted.

Enjoying a cup of coffee and a croissant outside a small pasticceria, my eyes watered. I couldn’t have imagined such a tightening in my throat. But then it passed.

I talked to a friend, then to another and another. All of that tightening gave way to an easy flow, which made me realize that I was carrying too many emotions still running through my veins.

One night, walking down the narrow street next to the bistro where I had my aperitivo, I came face to face with an ugly truth. Magnificent buildings stood in front of me, huge walls rose high on my left, a man looked out from a terrace, and shadows stretched across the sidewalk as I strolled into the depths of my bella città.

There, I felt it deep in my bones. Oh my god, how lonely I felt. Why was that? Why was I feeling so lonely after a lovely chat with a curious, bright mind? There had been genuine interest in art, literature, and philosophy, a touching reflection of my past, and a bending truth about love and companionship.

Full of heartbreak and disappointment, I feared that my time might already have passed. What a sad thought. Yet it came creeping around and sat on my shoulders for a long time.

I had to hold his hand, talk to him slowly, and walk him outside the door. No, this is not the final destination. We still have more to try, more to discover, my friend, I told him.

Then I finished the movie I had started watching at the open-air cinema the first night. Referring to her closed-off life in a quiet town, she says “… everything is inside, packed and locked, and it’s my fault”. My poor Alice. I can totally relate.

But there was life and love and excitement and so much creativity in you. There still is.

That’s what I could have told her, just as I’m telling myself now.

I know, I could have been that woman. I could have let go of everything just to settle down with anybody. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to settle for less. That’s why I feel more relaxed now, and even more grateful for my voluntary singleness.

Yet, I have my ups and downs, just like everyone else. There are times when I deeply feel my immense capacity for giving and receiving love. Right there, the fact that I don’t have that special someone next to me feels creepy and weird and lame.

But then I realize not everything has a reason, a cause, a solution, or a remedy. So I take another breath, start a new chapter in a book, water my plants, and watch the sunset. It heals me and brightens the gray spaces within me.

Because after all, I know I am bright yellow and orange and terracotta. Daughter of the Sun. A sunflower grows within me, and I will always turn my gaze towards the sun.